Never Explain! Sorry, thats my motto. Chris Turner, I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. billed as a blockbuster simply because of the amount of one-liners in just a few minutes. Its not unusual, he replied. Gary Delaney - Pundamentalist Gary Delaney, one-liner extraordinaire, has appeared on shows like Mock The Week and written for the likes of Jimmy Carr, Jason Manford, and James Corden. I was the only thing between H and JK. Simon Evans (2018), Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition. What do you call a pig that knows karate? But some of us are short. Lou Sanders (2018), Someone stole my antidepressants. I met this gangster who pulls up the back of peoples pants. Youre definitely not going to learn anything, but if you like lots of jokes then its for you. Red Dwarf: 30 of the funniest quotes and one-liners 100 of Homer Simpsons greatest quotes Crime in multi-storey car parks. And dont apologise, ever. Blue sky at night: day. Tom Parry (2015), It all starts innocently, mixing chocolate and Rice Krispies, but before you know it youre adding raisins and marshmallows its a rocky road. Olaf Falafel (2016), I was watching the London Marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another runner dressed as an egg. 27 of Sarah Millicans laugh out loud jokes She didnt succeed but she did leave a large visible crack. Al Porter (2016), I like Jesus but he loves me, so its awkward.Tom Stade (2008), My granny was recently beaten to death by my grandad. 50 of Terry Wogan and Graham Nortons most scathing Eurovision quotes Add a photoor add a quote. She was a vegan and refused to touch me. Daniel Audritt (2018), What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens? Flo and Joan (2018), I remember doing security at the Brits a few years back when it all kicked off between Steps and Jamiroquai. Gary Delaney Biography, Age, Wife, Stand-up, Movies, Tour and One Liners. DayTom Parry, I never lie on my CVbecause it creases it. Jenny Collier, If you dont know what introspection is you need to take a long, hard look at yourselfIan Smith, I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one timeTom Ward, Earlier this year I saw The Theory of Everything loved it. Gary Delaney Quotes facebook twitter googleplus I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell. 90 Minutes Of One Liners - Gary Delaney - YouTube 0:00 / 1:30:40 HOT WATER COMEDY CLUB - HARDMAN STREET 90 Minutes Of One Liners - Gary Delaney 757,067 views Jan 7, 2022 6.4K. 6. I always prefer being live on stage, he says. Gary Delaney Fri 20 Jan Get ready to dive into a rabbit hole of the best jokes in the world - star of Live at the Apollo and sell-out sensation Gary Delaney Live at the Queens Theatre! Your head hits the ceiling! Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Just hope I can pull it off. William Andrews, Why are they calling it Brexit when they could be calling it The Great British Break Off? Alex Edelman, Words cant express how much I hate World Emoji Day. Christian Talbot, Someone stole my antidepressants. I called this tour Gagsters Paradise because I wanted a title that let people know it had loads of jokes in, theres no story and no sad bits. How dairy. Ironically, thats how he lost his job in disaster relief.Mark Watson (2014), I really wish ISIS would stop playing violent video games and listening to Marilyn Manson. Eric Lampaert (2016), Theres only one thing I cant do that white people can do, and thats play pranks at international airports.Nish Kumar (2014), How do people make new mates? Ive given up making innuendos for Lent, but its getting really hard now and Im not sure if I can pull it off. 50 of Jimmy Carrs funniest jokes and one-liners APR 25 2020 Fat Frog Comedy Like the way an Irish person or a Scottish person would say that the band Snow Patrol are boring but an Eskimo has a hundred words for how crap Snow Patrol are. Neil Hickey(2013), Oh my god, mega drama the other day: My dishwasher stopped working! The high quantity of stand January 2023 Jan 14 Sat Salisbury, Arts Centre Gary Delaney More info Jan 15 Sun The Glee Club Nottingham Gary Delaney Sold out Jan 20 Fri Barnstaple, Queens Theatre Gary Delaney View Tickets The way nationalities have different takes on the same thing. Here's where to see Gary next: OCTOBER 2019: Wednesday 9 th: Royal Spa Centre, Leamington. Although it does involve a lot of Angry Birds. From here it looks like its probably the Duke of Edinburgh Milton Jones, A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. If you do gags, you live and die by their quality, so you have to make them good. My grief councillor died recently but luckily he was so good I didnt care. You win the bronze, you think, at least I got something. But you win that silver, thats like, Congratulations, you almost won! Tape every gig and listen back to it. Be the first to contribute! Gary Delaney Biography. And youll have a really big restaurantMark Simmons, Im rubbish with names. Did you hear about these new reversible jackets? Riveting! Stewart Francis, 100 of the best knock knock jokes (some of which are actually funny), People who like trance music are very persistent. I went down to my local supermarket and I said: I want to make a complaint. There was only one dog in it. I hardly ever visit Syria. Alex Horne, A spa hotel? But on the plus side only three more sleeps till Christmas. Robert Garnham (2017), Centaurs shop at Topman. Its been a tough week, I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now its trying to blackmail me. Twerking is what a Yorkshireman does to earn Twages. Asking for a friend. Steve Bugeja (2016), I wanted to do a show about feminism. So I bought 100 copies ofGoldfinger. Nick Hall (2015), Ive decided to stop masturbating, since then Ive not really felt myself. Tom Toal (2015), I always thought Trojan was a bad name for a condom brand because of course the Trojans were a people whose lives were ruined when a vessel containing little warriors unexpectedly exploded inside their city walls.Jonny Lennard(2014), My wife told me: Sex is better on holiday. That wasnt a nice postcard to receive.Joe Bor(2014), The first time I met my wife, I knew she was a keeper. Sorry, something's gone wrong. Honestly its madness gone politically correct. November 2019 (5) October 2019 (6) September 2019 (5) August 2019 (5) July 2019 (6) June 2019 (4) May . That is wrong on so many different levels. Tim Vine, Do you know what I love most about baseball? I cant remember what its for and I never use it anyway. Mary Bourke (2012), Is it possible to mistake schizophrenia for telepathy? You know what that means when someone pays you minimum wage? It was my turn to walk him, and as I was leaving the house my wife reminded me: Dont forget poobags?. To the moo-vies! Posted by 5thingstodotoday on 19/03/2022 in 5 Things To Do Today | Leave a comment. Theres no other word for it Ross Smith, I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course; Im really struggling to get out of it Adele Cliff, 25 of Peter Kays most ingenious jokes and one-liners You know when she was born? What did one plate say to the other plate? My observational comedy improved. Sara Pascoe, Trumps nothing like Hitler. My colleague can no longer attend next weeks Innuendo Seminar so I have to fill her slot instead. Youll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on. Athena Kugblenu (2017), I had a job drilling holes for water it was well boring. Leo Kearse (2018), Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day. Adam Rowe (2018), I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. But it all just sounded like haw he saw he haw he haw. Theres nothing better than performing a show full of one-liners to people whove all come because they really like one-liners and dont mind some being in rather dubious taste. Commit them to memory, and you'll have your friends laughing so hard they won't even remember why the conversation had lagged in the first place. Say what you like about waiters, but I think they bring a lot to the table. He also had a performance titled Purist during the Edinburgh Festival Fringe show, and it won positive reviews. You either love them or you keep them at the back of the cupboard next to the piccalilli. Abi Roberts (2016), You just know Chilcot was up until 4am, downing Red Bulls and trying to crank out the last 800,000 words. Alex Kealy (2016), Yo Mammas so fat that other people have to pay for the health consequences of this via general taxation, even though its her responsibility. Dominic Frisby (2016), Jokes about white sugar are rare. Obviously it wasnt called that, it was advertised as a School Reunion. The older one grows, the more one likes indecency.. 25 of Charlie Brookers most cutting jokes and insults Gary Delaney returns to the road with another onslaught of lean, expertly crafted witticisms in his new tour, Gagster's Paradise. Emo Philips, Steven Wright, Milton Jones, Mitch Hedberg, Max Miller, Ken Dodd, Henny Youngman, Bob Monkhouse and Rodney Dangerfield. Not as in, with a stick he just died first Alex Horne (2008), I think if you were hardcore anti-feminism, surely you wouldnt call yourself anti-feminism would you? Blue sky at night. GARY Delaney is the master of the one-liner; a one-man machine gun of gags, which he unleashes on his audiences without mercy. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. contact IPSO here, 2001-2023. 17 of Ken Dodds most ingeniously funny jokes Its okay. I bought my nephew a caterpillar cake without checking the best before date, so now hes got a butterfly cake. You should get an email right away to confirm you've been added to the list. 3. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did. . Gary Delaney: 'The Beach Boys were driving around Solihull in tanks trying to kill me' The standup and writer on the things that make him laugh the most Punslinger Gary Delaney.. Did you hear about the two silk worms in a race? 5 things to know about Dancehall legend Beenie Man when he performs in London this September, 5 things about where to spend the heatwave in London: Shaved Ice Gin Pop Up Bar in Belgravia, ROKU X Pantechnicon, 5 things about the The Bobby Moore Fund London Celebrity Sports Quiz. 105.2. Went to the doctors and said: Have you got anything for wind? He gave me a kite. ' Paddy Lennox, Im sure wherever my dad is; hes looking down on us. Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Jokes about brown sugar, Demerara.Olaf Falafel (2016), A rescue cat is like recycled toilet paper. Gary Delaney: Comedy Club Classics 2000-2013 A Full Show of one-liners live @Hot Water Comedy Club(2019 Video) Gary Delaney: Self It looks like we don't have any photos or quotes yet. Be the first to contribute! Cookies help us deliver our Services. Well he can take his hat off for a start! Paul Merton, Normally you have news, weather and travel. A pork chop! Then she made me eat broccoli, which felt like double standards. Sarah Millican, My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. 7:30pm Tickets: 21 Gary Delaney is a razor sharp one-liner comedian, who is widely regarded as being the most quotable comic on the circuit. Doomed to fail, How to listen to Greatest Hits Radio on FM and DAB, and when Ken Bruce starts, Where the mid-morning show host is going next and what he's said, How to get Madonna's London O2 tickets and full list of tour dates and venues, 'We know less about the things around us than ever before': Pico Iyer on five decades of travel, On TV tonight, cutting-edge operations in Surgeons: At the Edge of Life, Do not sell or share my personal information. I backed a horse last week at 10 to one. Email Address. Here are some of his funniest jokes to tempt you! It was a tribute actTim Vine, Why is it old people say theres no place like home, yet when you put them in one Stuart Mitchell, Ive been happily married for four years out of a total of 10.Mark Watson, Apparently one in three Britons are conceived in an IKEA bed which is mad because those places are really well lit.Mark Smith, I went to a pub quiz in Liverpool, had a few drinks so wasnt much use. It's the jokes from my second tour 'There's Something About Gary' and provided many of the jokes for TV spots I recorded at that time. , Im entering the worlds tightest hat competition to earn Twages tim Vine, you... Love them or you keep them at the back of the one-liner ; a one-man gun... Wherever my dad is ; hes looking down on us jokes about white sugar are rare a cake... In multi-storey car parks them or you keep them at the back of amount... Up the back of peoples pants my turn to walk him, and as was... 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